いつか大人に成る日が来たら、その全てが色彩を失って・・・

 あ〜、まったく、頭いてえーよ。

そろそろお誕生日パーチに行って来るぞ。
でももう遊びに行って事好きじゃないさーー

I'll just go 'cause of curious who's the hate of Manstina-chan's life. Hahaha.

Half an more hour, I think.
It involves karaoke.
And home-schooled white kids.
Scary.





Wish me luck, fellow comrades.


By the way, I just downloaded DIM by GazettE today.
Hmm...


Damn country blocked mediafire, I feel so helpless and isolated from society. Haha. MUSIC-DERIVED I AM! 
I seriously feel like I'm only listening to old bands, like how parents talk about ABBA, The Carpenters, The Bee Gees and stuff, thinking it's still "in".
Half more year... maybe I can leave here.

GAH.

 まったく・・・

My plans of working hard and such have failed me once again today. Haha.

But catching up with old friends does give you that warm and fuzzy feeling inside. I guess. Flowers. Kittens. Rainbows.
*slap*

Apparently there's a birthday party I'm invited to tomorrow, but I haven't gone out in forever. 

I've been doing some online shopping recently, it's so great, and so cheap. Haha.
I bought Paul Smith sneakers the other day for only around 700 yen or something. Authentic. YAY.
Gives you that great sense of accomplishment 'cause you just got something great and saved a lot of money.

でも俺の全てがこの一つ事できなきゃかも。

Work hard! 

(Anticipating the next episode of 銀魂 damn it! COME OUT SOON!!! I've waited a month already RS!!!! -______________-;;;;)

 地獄の中で



・・・この生命に何が残す？

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? No.
02) What was your dream growing up? Become famous.
03) What talent do you wish you had? Creativity and originality.
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? YUZU SODA!
05) Favorite vegetable? Eggplant?
06) What was the last book you read? SO-EN 200907
07) What zodiac sign are you? Libra.
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. LEFT ear: 6 RIGHT ear: 3 Wish I had a tattoo. D;
09) Worst Habit? Thinker, not do-er. Being a pushover too.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? On my bike? Sure. XD
11) What is your favorite sport? Guitar-ing.
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? Extremely pessimistic.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? Talk about what I wanted to accomplish before death. D;
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? Oh my, there's too many to list. Today, would be reading the story behind TAION. ;s
15) Tell me one weird fact about you. Anyone who tries to chat with me while I'm half asleep will be surprised I reply with an extremely random, bizarre and unrelated reply. I don't even know it.
16) Do you have any pets? Doggie. PANDA.
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? We can sit and have afternoon tea.
18) What was your first impression of me? Hmm, well, I was researching things one after another, then was eventually led to your blog. What I read was your interpretation of TAION. I'm really shocked at how sick humans can be. I wonder how they would feel if the same things could be done to them, those bastards. *cough*
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Cute, in a scary way.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? Taller.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Crime partner. XD
22) What color eyes do you have? Maroon.
23) Ever been arrested? No.
24) Bottle or can soda? CAN!
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? Buy a new bass guitar, AMPEG, books, NIKON and save the rest for future use. XD
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at? Cafe, bookstore, park
28) Do you believe in ghosts? Yes.
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Watch anime. (Go to cafes, afternoon tea, read, play bass, draw manga, etc.)
30) Do you swear a lot? Depends on my mood and the topic being discussed?
31) Biggest pet peeve? If someone wears really wrinkly clothes, and it's not supposed to be that way.
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself? Naive. 
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance? Never experienced it.
34) Favourite and least favourite food? PURIN<3, ginger</3. 
35) Do you believe in God? Sometimes.
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? ^^

今年、大事なことを見つけたんだ。

日本語もう喋れない／書いてない。ダウングレードしてそうなんだもん。



悲しい事は美しい。
美しい事は悲しい。

そうと思う。

その間に、俺は寂しい感情を感じてるままにインスパレーションを作くられたんだ。


えっと・・・
ねむっ。


今日は本当に見つけられた。俺の道。

かのまと俺は適当と同じ事はびっくりした。
でももう寂しくないかもしれん。

かのまは俺のミューズと思って、そうかもな〜





まっ、もう３時間午前に
ベッドへ！

皆気をつけてな！！！

ラブ
「未来は有名人」唯一のカズ君　笑 

...

Have you ever listened to a song, listen closely to the lyrics, or even read the lyrics, and find that the combination of melody and deep melancholic words brought tears to your eyes?

You realise that the words are describing that painful and lonely feeling in your heart, and feel that maybe you're not that alone after all because there's someone else that feels the same way...?

I want to be that kind of person. The kind that can make a connection with my performance, to connect with the hearts of audience, fans, listeners.  

I want people to need me, my lyrics, my works, to move people and make an impact.

If I could ever do that, if I could spread these emotions through out the world, to the people who need to hear those words, hear the music, feel and be one with the atmosphere, I think I'd die contented. 

This one dream, whether near or distant, I want it to happen, even if it's just for a short period in this rapidly passing period of youth.




Today (more so the day I finally noticed), I found someone so alike to me, in personality, attitude, outlook on certain things, thoughts, emotions, likes and dislikes. 
... I was taken aback.
... because I have yet met someone like me. Who can understand my way of thinking and tolerate my faults.

Even though I can probably never meet that person again, or even if I do, I won't know when...
Words so sincere, smile so warm, hand grasped so tightly, I hope I can fulfill the promise we made.

This promise...
Even if it's not exactly the same, I hope I can get as close to it as possible so that we can have a larger chance of meeting again.
Barriers so large, time so short, will I be too late by then? ...Or am I already too late? 

Significance. Impact. Forceful. Admiration.


Knowing that there's someone like me out there doing so well off gives me a bit of renewed hope and now I don't feel as alone as I was before. 

I try not to think of a "What if I can't make it happen", because all I can think right now is "I will make it happen, no matter what obstacles come, because this is the only important thing I have left".



When all you have left to hold onto is that one last thread hanging while the rest of the rope burns, you feel like you can risk anything just to hold on. If even that is lost, if even some last bit of false hope is lost, then what is there left?


This (false) hope is all I have left...かもしれない?



I will work hard, and try my hardest not to stray from my path, though my path is not clear, I'm sure that somehow it will all work out. 
Whether it's A first then B or vice versa, one day, I hope I can fulfill our promise we made that fateful day.


どうか、神様、嘲笑っても良いから、助けてくれないか？





最後／唯一の願いを

 So recently I haven't been online much as I've been taking the time to think through many things.
I feel as if everything's clear now, finally, after such a long time.

Up until now, I've realised that I've never accomplished anything significant nor have I tried, yet I do have snippets of dreams or goals.

I'm sure now the direction I want to head in, but the details, I don't think I'd even know them myself since no one can see the future.


I just hope I can accomplish great things before death.
...and live out my childhood dream for at least a moment in my youth before I officially become an adult.


This next half year, I will work hard!

Or else I might never end up anywhere.

がんばりまーす！

 
なぜあつうぇなんだ！！！！！！（ー。ー）；


I only realized it today, the fact that my teachers are racists. XD


Anyways, I've been working on a lot of doujinshi lately, and I'm almost done with one.
I know when people think of doujinshi, the thought "OMG BISHIE BL XXX!!! <3333"
But this one is perfectly non-XXX, though that may sadden some, haha.
It's more on the relationship between the members of the 万事屋 and then some.


それで次は銀時x桂を描いてつもりがあるかもしれの〜〜〜〜
高杉x桂のほうが良いと思ってけど・・・さ、なんでもいいや　笑

おすすめがありますかい？

I'm getting more assignments recently, which is kind of lame because our teachers haven't really given us any homework throughout the year, and finally decide to do so only now RIGHT before the exams. How nice of them.

Oh well, at least there's finally stuff to do.

Though now I have to go buy more materials and spend more money. -_-;;
GOODBYE POTATO-CHIP MONEY. DD;

At least I bought some today... >.>

 
よ。みなしばらくだねぜ〜

でも、最近は最悪の感情が在る、悩んでる、存在。

I haven't really socialized since I started at this new university.
I've reverted back to my recluse lifestyle, and am seriously becoming a full-fledged otaku.

I used to go on MSN daily, but now I don't even do that. It's not like I forget to, it's more like...I can't be bothered.
Every time I consider logging on, I pause at the icon and ask myself "Why? Why bother? Who is there to talk to?"
With that mindset, I can't be bothered.

I realised one thing, though a depressing person I may be, recently I'm not depressed, even though, given the circumstances, I should be.

Ever since coming here, there's been nothing but loneliness...if I was a normal person.
But aside from lonely, I feel nothing.

I'm alone.
I'm meant to be, probably.

No groups accept me, not in real life, not online, I don't belong anywhere.
Knowing that, and slowly accepting it, I don't feel pain.

But, now I'm pursuing a dream I don't even want.
Majoring in a subject that I don't particularly dislike or like.
Everyone at school is superficial and arrogant, most of all, selfish.

As it is, I attend school, then come home, aside from these two places, I don't go anywhere else.
On weekends or holidays, no one calls me out.

I just stay home and watch anime, draw manga, read manga, read, and now, talk about my shitty life on a blog no one will ever bother to read.
It's come to this.

It's not like I don't try to be a nice person, I do, but maybe I try to hard to the extent that I'm hated instead? Haha.
Nah.
I'm used, betrayed, and shunned over and over again, it's nothing.

But, recently, I've been thinking...
People should live their life to the fullest and enjoy themselves while they still can, especially during this period of youth we can never get back once it has passed, right?
The way things are now for me, am I really living MY life to the fullest?
Is there an opportunity presenting itself that I cannot see?
Or is this really the extent of my pathetic hikkikomori-otaku life?

School, then home, school then home.
On days with no school, it's just home.
So, my life is focused on a school I don't even like?

Do I have any better options? Or is it just my extremely negative mindset? What is this?

I don't sulk because it's come to a point in life where I can't even be bothered to feel upset.







...
Is this the extent of complete and absolute despair?

 YES!

THIS DAMNED COUNTRY FINALLY UNBLOCKED LJ 
AND INSTEAD IS PREYING ON BLOGSPOT INSTEAD BUT OH WELL ALL THE GOOD THINGS ARE ON HERE ANYWAYS!!!!!


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!





...

XD

そうなんだぜ。

I give up on life.


... I think I already snapped.

It's okay.

Come Wednesday, I will be fine.








... I hope.

(I'm not angry, I just don't feel anything more than mental exhaustion.)

Singoalla?

Singoalla.

You would never guess it's a Swedish brand of cookie, eh?

Sounds like a Singaporean Koala, or something lame like that.

But it is very nice.

VERY NAIIIICEEE~.


I like the chewy raspberry bit. It's the best. (^o^)/
But I don't like the white icing bit, it's too sweet.
I scrape it off with a knife.

So fun though.
I do that with Oreo too.

SINGOALLA.

At Starbucks again! (^o^)/

I have so much studying and art to do, I don't think I'll be able to finish it by tomorrow. (@.@)//

Hmm... I think I will go buy some Pandan Chiffon cake later... I really like how green and soft it is.
YAY GREENNESS! (^o^)/

So I have four make-up tests to do tomorrow, plus a painting and two art projects to hand in.
Shit.
Didn't prepare for any of them.

If I pull an all-nighter I think I'll be either grouchy or dead tomorrow. Which is both sad.

Mehh...

Worst-case scenario is that I stay up all night today studying and fall asleep during the exams tomorrow, which is almost what happened during the mid-terms.
No, actually, come to think of it, I was so jittery during the exams that my writing ended up being really shitty because my hand wouldn't stop shaking hardcore.
That's due to lack of sleep, lack of food, and hardcore canned coffee and Red Bull...

Hmm...
Will go buy some Red Bull later.

Red Bull and Pandan Chiffon cake and homework. YAY!
CAFFEINENESS GREENNESS SOFT-FLUFFNESS AND STUPID-GAY-HOMEWORKNESS!

(^w^)/

It's been a while since I updated, ne.

Can't be bothered to be honest. (-_-);;

Man, this week has worn me out what with all the events.
I didn't even get proper time to do my homework and study!

I get to be excused from classes on Monday. (^o^)/


I'm damn hungry right now.
For some odd and rare reason I really want curry puff right now.
What the..

Shirley has gotten me to LIKE curry puff, which is surprising because I hate it.
Hahaha.

Doom begins?

今日はね・・・

多くのごとをしようかもしれない。

勉強積もりです。

So much homework!

Alone.





... always.

死んだ事は何？

後は・・・？



この世界の中で、わたしの恋人要りますか？

存在が居る？



愛はどこに居る？



寂しい。

Bet everyone's going to go out and have fun tonight, ne.

loveholicうまいだぜ！

最近の趣味だ。笑


今日はね・・・

詰まら無いなんでした。


There's many things I can't eat anymore.

This sucks.

もう食べられなかったね。
酷い。

今夜みなが遊びに行く積もりですね。
私のプランが無くけれども・・・缶系のコーヒーを買ってだけでかもしれない、笑。

行かない事によると・・・





宿題が多いやー！！！

ちくしょ。